Jeff Goldblum Rates Hot Tubs, Attractive Cousins, and Watching Jurassic Park on Acid

[jazzy drums]

Mascara, mascara.

Yes, overrated in my view.

What do I know?

I know nothing, but I am the authority of my own experience.

And my experience is this.

That the eyelash is one of the finer aspects

of the outer, who knows what's going on inside,

I'm no doctor, but of the outer.

There are many points of interest.

The cuticles, and the flesh,

and all sorts of things, and the eyeball.

It's the sweetest, left over

from your infancy and childhood.

It's the sweetest, most naive,

beautifully colored, beautiful, beautiful.

Look at Sissy Spacek in Badlands.

Look at Tilda Swinton in Orlando.

So beautiful.

But I'm just talking about for my taste,

and so-called real life.

Don't put on a toupee, an eyelash toupee,

and certainly marking, eyelash marking.

And certainly don't, these globs

that the industry, I'm sure, have gotten together

and conspired to say, we could sell a billion,

billions of dollars if we convince all these ladies

that they can't even leave the house

without looking like a baby doll.

They must look like baby dolls,

because their eyeballs have to pop.

Tell 'em they gotta pop.

This is too much information.

I'm revealing too much fetishistic sensibility about myself,

so I'll stop right there.

But suffice it to say that mascara is overrated.

I'll leave it at that.

[drum roll]

Acid, acid.

Well, I don't want you to have a bad trip, you know.

You take that acid, you might get too scared.

It's a scary movie.

There's that, so you would have to know yourself better.

Myself, as for myself,

I wouldn't do it at this point,

because my experience with psychedelics goes like this.

When I was 20 in 1971, I took mescaline three times.

And it was, I had a grand time on that every time.

I saw Fellini Satyricon with a group of people,

and I think I was a double bill

with the Beatles movie, Yellow Submarine.

Yeah, oh boy, I was into it.

That was a good experience,

so this is the answer to your question.

Then I took acid once that same year.

I was in Brooklyn with a bunch of people.

They were playing The Rolling Stones album Let It Bleed,

and I was playing a big conga drum

in this little apartment, and I'd just taken this thing,

and I waited a minute, was playing,

and listening to the thing, and I find,

this is nothing, maybe nothing happens.

By the end of the song.

[breathing heavily]

I was not like I was on the mescaline.

I'd forgotten that there had been

a substance of some kind, everything was just

now different, nor did I know how,

I was high, I guess I was very high,

and kind of pathetically high.

The girlfriend of the guy whose house it was

had not taken anything.

She came out and offered us some pizza,

and she put a piece of pizza in my hand,

and I went...

and I watched it fall on the floor.

And then she went, oh, um, Jeff.

And I went, no, no, and then I took some money out,

and I offered her money.

She said no, no, that's okay.

I guess I was very high.

Anyway, that's it, but since then,

I'm sort of strictly these days as is.

I come as is.

So having told those provocative stories

about my youthful adventuresomeness,

I can now hold my head up and say,

but you know, I'm not giving advice,

do whatever you want.

Okay, we're getting into something, the taboo of incest.

I think we're exploring, yes?

Well once the whole question, the whole question is

if you have an attractive cousin,

should they be off-limits romantically.

Well, that's a very interesting subject, I don't know.

As a culture, I'm no anthropological professor.

But in different cultures, and in different states

even now in these United States,

I think there are different norms and acceptances

and conventions, but I do tell you this,

I have an interesting bit of personal

experience with this in that, the legend has it,

that my grand grandparents were first cousins.

So I myself am made out of, if this is true,

the stuff which, you know, explains

a lot of my, you know, behavior.

Hot tubs.

Overrated, overrated.

I like a hot bath.

I like dunking my pink and white body in yon roman tub.

Oh, it's lovely.

[sighing]

Getting in that hot water is...

I just gave myself a chill.

Oh, now I'm thinking back.

Now that I'm thinking out loud,

I had an experience or two, well one,

that I'm thinking of in a hot tub that was...

Sweet.

[jazzy drums]