Blarf Rates Gene Simmons, Measles, and Pitchfork Reviews

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Gene Simmons is a son of a bitch.

You get me toe-to-toe with Gene Simmons,

I will fuck his ass up.

I will spread his butt cheeks open and I will lick.

I fuckin' hate that guy.

He's a fuckin' son of a bitch.

Kiss sucks, man.

Give me a break with that shit.

It's like,

♪ Lollipops and gumdrops, rainbows. ♪

They're like if rock 'n' roll tried to be

like a ride at Disney World or something.

Where one guy wears cat makeup,

they're fuckin' embarrassing.

They're humiliating.

And he's such a misogynist fuckin' bloated son of a bitch,

He's like, Yeah, suck my dick,

go to my burger store at the Los Angeles Airport.

He's a fuckin' chauvinist piece of shit.

Fuck him. [laughs]

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Shit, I don't know man.

That's scary, dude.

Sending your album to Pitchfork?

That's like being on The Voice.

Who's the head of Pitchfork?

Greg Pitchfork?

I could just imagine Greg Pitchfork

spinnin' around in that Voice chair,

like a fuckin' top.

Like a merry-go-round when he hears this shit.

He's gonna be spinnin' around like The Gravitron

at the state fair.

And he's gonna be like, my father was a pitchfork,

his father was a pitchfork, his father was pitchfork,

and by gum, this album deserves a 69.

[moaning]

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Measles.

Underrated.

You gotta get 'em.

It's a wild ride.

I shot up the measles vaccine the other day.

I was high as hell.

I was like a fuckin' deleted scene in Trainspotting.

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I guess if you got your child's face tattooed on your face,

slightly off-centered, that'd be a bad idea,

but it would look cool.

Your kid looks like a fuckin' little potato dumpling

when it comes out.

Gotta get that kid grown.

Then you fuckin' tat him.

You tat him when he's like 23, lookin' real good.

That's when you tat that kid.

When he's in his prime.

That kid's lookin' good.

[lips smacking]

Mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

Mm, that kid's looking too good.

[moaning]

[laughing]

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Ted Bundy Nugent.

Underrated dude.

He's like,

♪ yeah dude, ♪

♪ rock n roll, ♪

♪ I'm super Republican ♪

♪ Ban abortion ♪

You got his new album, called Ban Abortion?

♪ Ted Nugent ♪

♪ Ban abortion ♪

♪ I'm gonna kill an abortion doctor ♪

He killed an abortion doctor on his latest album.

No, fuck that guy.

He's a fuckin' scumbag piece of shit.

[speaking in foreign language]

Next time I see 'em, I'm gonna be like,

What are you tap dancing on a beefcake

under the Verrazzano bridge?

Go fuck yourself, Ted.

Teddy, Ted Talk, Ted Bundy Nugent.

I'll see you at the Ted Talk, you piece of shit.

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Home Depot is,

it's not overrated, but it's not underrated.

It's at the perfect rate.

It's like, you need shit for your house?

You go to Home Depot.

You need some like, nuanced Italian sofa designer,

and he only made six sofas in the 70's,

you're shit outta luck at Home Depot.

You need a fuckin' weird flat orange pencil,

go to Home Depot.

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Bestiality is

it's probably underrated.

There's probably like a secret world

of sexual delights out in every farm in America

that we don't know about 'cause we're so judgemental.

Wasn't it T.S. Eliot who said

there's a little bit of Narnia inside each cow pussy?

[laughs]

Buy my album. [laughs]

It's free.

I'm promoting a free album.

We're just releasing on the internet.

For whatever reason.

It's un-listenable too.

It's fuckin' un-listenable.

I dare you to get through, like, six minutes of my album.

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Rubba-doobs.

You know what, Rupert Murdoch I think is a total nihilist.

'Cause he owns Fox News, super right-wing.

And owns Vice, super left-wing.

So I think he's just like, puppet master.

He's just eatin' fuckin' shrimp and champagne

in a jacuzzi full of blood and he's just,

one million, two million, three million, four million.

He's countin' that paper and watchin' the world burn.

He's pittin' the working-class against itself.

He's underrated.

Love that guy, he's a mogul.

He's my hero.

He's right behind me, isn't he?

Blood [imitating spraying] out the vents.

[imitating spraying]

It's always Conde and Rupert neck n' fuckin' neck.

Seeking world domination.

From Sumner Redstone's cold dead hand.

Who owns the most media?

Four people.

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